thoughts and musing...

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara – Zoya Akhtar

2011-07-18T08:25:00.002-06:00

Nothing is more intriguing than a voyage of discovery. Whether it’s discovering who you’ve been, who you are, or who you want to be; every stone overturned reveals a nugget of insight. For three childhood friends - Kabir, a young construction tycoon; Imraan, a struggling copywriter and closet poet, and Arjun, a financial trader whose world is dictated by commissions; a three-week road trip through Spain brings to the surface new emotions, ambitions and hopes for the future.

Finally making the holiday they had planned to set out on after college, the three musketeers take on adventure sports, one of each one’s choosing which the other two have to participate in. Marveling at vivid colours while deep sea diving off the Spanish coast, humbled by silence as they sky dive, and being frightfully aware of the thumping of their hearts as they run with the bulls, emotions plunge and soar as they race on to conquer their fears.

A chance meeting with Laila, brings freshness to their lives and with a little nudging they head on through new avenues. They bury hatchets, find closure, accept failures, and find new paths for their lives. At the end they have a renewed sense of their relationships with each other, with others they know and most importantly with themselves.

Personal Opinion: I find these days that we all spend so much time fretting the big stuff that we forget to enjoy the little things that can make us happy. Lying under the stars, dancing in the street, a practical joke or two, are not just what they are, but also representative of a bunch of small pleasures in life that can keep you going on a tough day.

This movie is the type that I would own on DVD and get together with my friends and a bottle of wine (or rum, depending on the group) and watch on a lazy evening. Everyone I know can slip right in as one of the 4 protagonists of the film with such ease that it’s almost unnerving.

A refreshing, light-hearted, clean movie made for friends, it’s a best I’ve seen in a long time. A great positive message that George Eliot sums up quite nicely - “It’s never too late to be what you might have been,” so get out there and do that just.

My rating: 10/10

I recommend this movie to those who need a mood elevator, those who need to cut back and take a breather or even those who just need a pat on the back to say they’re on the right track.

give me the respect

2010-12-22T05:27:00.001-06:00

i told you don't lie to me....whatever the truth is i will take it in my stride with dignity....but lies i cannot forget, nor forgive....you should have known better....

i thought you cared about me.....guess i was wrong...again

aise to na dekho

2010-06-19T05:31:00.004-06:00

aise to na dekho, ke humko nasha ho jaye
khoobsurat si koi humse hhata ho jaye
aise to na dekho...

yoon na ho aankhen rahen kaajal gholen
badh ke bekhudi haseen gesu kholen
khul ke phir zulfen siyah kali bala ho jaaye
aise to na dekho...

and he sang in tune ...what a welcome change

We'll always have Paris

2009-09-09T15:18:00.006-06:00

black current wine in paris perhaps
gourmet
add baguettes and cheese
walking arm and arm
and a true french kiss over the seine
we could talk endlessly at some sidewalk cafe
while we look at the light fade away behind the eiffel
and then we could hit a jazz bar
sip more wine
snuggle
and then savour the late night sounds of the city as we walk (not straight by then) back to some corner that cannot found on a map
hot chocolate in the cold mornings, snuggled by the fireplace
wine on the balcony watching the sun set, before setting out to paint the town red
will read you a bedtime story, stroke your hair while you sleep
lazy mornings in bed, and wake up to coffee
its gently stroking the dark strands
its looking into the eyes, its breathing heavily, its whispering (trying to keep it low), its feeling the skin, and the sultry weather that makes it sticky

stop... no more...it hurts that talk is all that there will ever be...some stories just are, with no point of convergence...

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

shraadh....what does it really mean

2009-09-08T12:39:00.002-06:00

"Pitra Paksha, also known as Mahalay, is a period of fifteen days. It is the time designated to give devotion or to offer respect to the dead and departed ancestors of the family. It is believed that only after performance of the Shraadh ritual, the soul of the deceased relative is at peace and attains moksha."

that's the word on the street at least.

What about peace for those who got left behind? Doesn't that count for anything?

How does going through a process that reminds you of the one you've lost and the way it happened benefit you and make it easier for you to live with?

It's hard enough that you think about it all the time, though you don't say it, but then you have to go out and do rituals to show the world that you really do remember?

Why do we need to display our sorrow to a bunch of random strangers in a temple, so that people look at us and go 'tsk tsk'? Arrrgh.

Is this Pitra Paksha business supposed to make you really feel at peace by making a show to the world you remmber and respect those who are gone?
or
Is is supposed to make you feel guilty that you are trying to carry on with your life without wanting to draw attention to the way it hurts like a bitch inside all the time?

one man's food is another man's poison....perhaps...

2009-08-16T05:40:00.010-06:00

Found this buried in my pile of emails, that I wanted to do more with at some point. I suppose it's time to post it up here. I wrote this as a first-person piece for my first writing class. I got an A I believe, more for the sentiment, than my style of writing.

VARSHA NAIK, a Journalism & Radio-Television-Film student, has been interning with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation since August 2004, wanting to give back to the CF community after losing her cousin a year earlier to cystic fibrosis. Varsha has found her work here very satisfying, especially having become “aware of the enormous effort that goes into caring for people with CF.” Varsha adds, “It made me realize that my cousin might not have lived as long as she did were it not for the work put in by the CF Foundation. For that I am grateful, and for the opportunity to do my bit for CF patients. I hope to come back every semester to work with the Foundation to add 'tomorrows every day'.”

It all began when my phone rang at around 2 a.m. on Monday November 10, 2003. I was catching up on sleep after studying all night for an upcoming test that was going to make me sorry for ‘chilling’ for too long with my friends. It was Minku Bhaiya’s voice I heard asking me for Papa’s phone number in Muscat. I didn’t think much of it, gave him the number, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Then the phone rang again; it was about 6 a.m. now and I’m wondering what in the world is happening. It was Mummy this time, crying on the phone telling me that Ruchi had been admitted into the hospital for what we knew would be the last time.

So, I’m sitting in the corridor outside my dorm room, tears rolling down my face with no idea what to do. I just wanted to drop everything and fly down to Cleveland to see Ruchi, but I knew that was almost impossible for me to do. Ruchi was sleeping when I called so I couldn’t even say goodbye one last time.

It seems so strange, I remember all the details so clearly as if it were yesterday. My mind just could not focus on school and work. In a way I was scared to call and check on Ruchi for what I might hear. I went to sleep that night praying that things would get better like they had in the past.

Then the phone rang at some 5 a.m. and I was trembling as I reached to answer it. I knew what I was about to hear, but the words still frightened me beyond belief. “She's gone Bo. Ruchi is no more."

My cousin aged 22 had lost the fight to cystic fibrosis.

***

My life changed completely. I spent days locked up in my room, crying, complaining, cursing, wishing it had been me instead. But there was nothing I could do. I had to move on. And slowly, very slowly, I did. But I stopped believing in dreams.

It was in February this year that I was watching television with my roommate in my dorm room. It was 'The Real World' that we were watching and there was a girl in it who had Cystic Fibrosis. I went onto the CF website afterwards to read up more on it. The symptoms and effects of the disease were frightening. Thumping on the back, inhalation, mucus-filled wheezing, and indigestion. All these brought back all the frightening memories of watching Ruchi being fed through a tube in her stomach. My sister and I always used to complain that Ruchi would get away with doing chores so easily saying she was 'sick'. How my outlook has changed now! I could give up everything in the world if she could just come back.

A simple display message on her cell phone summed up life as it was. 'Days Go By' was life in its ultimate reality for Ruchi Mahalaha, who passed away on 11 November 2003, aged 24 years. Daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, confident – she was all these things – and much more. She took with her a part of the lives of all those who knew her when she left this world for what seems to be a better place for her. One where there is no suffering and pain, one which we do not know well enough, one which we cannot speak of with great confidence.

It took 7 years to uncover the reason for Ruchi constantly being sick as a child. Trips back and forth between India and USA could not determine why she always had cold-like symptoms. It took one doctor who had a nagging doubt, who then conducted a test and was able to determine what the problem was.

Cystic Fibrosis.

Not known to be a common diesease in India this detection came as a shock to the whole family. A life-threatening disease cystic fibrosis affects the normal functioning of the lungs and pancreas and makes the body vulnerable to disease. It is a genetic disease and creates thick sticky mucus that clogs the lungs and causes lung infections. This leads to violent coughing spells and breathing difficulties. While affecting the pancreas, cystic fibrosis prevents digestive enzymes from reaching the intestines to help break down food. Weight loss despite excessive appetite are the prominent symptoms of this problem. Today more than 30,000 people throughout the United States, suffer from cystic fibrosis. The average survival age for patients is 33.4 years.

Ruchi was taken before her time.

Now began the period that was not only emotionally difficult, but also physically challenging for the family. All the different medications and daily exercise routines cause excruciating pain to all those involved.

***

Ruchi never let the fact that she was sick stop her from trying to lead a normal life. She did all the things an average kid would do in America. She graduated high school and attended prom, left home and moved to University of Cincinnati from her hometown in Cleveland, Ohio. She even took the time to join many organizations and played an active role in all of them. Seems normal enough… but after all this was the endless weekends in the hospital for check-ups and treatments while other 'normal' kids had drinking parties and watched college football.

Ruchi was physically weak, she could not work long hours or lift heavy weights like most of us, but the strength of her soul knew no bounds. Self-confidence and ambition was reflected in her every action. At 22, she was more focused and in control of her life - whatever time-frame of life she had - than most college students. She knew life was short for her, and so she took it upon herself to live each day to its fullest. She refused to sit still and just take in life, she was well aware that she was not blessed with the time to do so.

It was two years ago during her brothers wedding that a cousin had come in from out of town for just a week. She had barely arrived when Ruchi grabbed her and took her along for a shopping trip. After traveling for five hours she was tired and finally in exasperation yelled at Ruchi saying that they could have gone shopping the next day. All Ruchi said was, “What if I don’t have a tomorrow.” That was the first time there was fear and apprehension in Ruchi’s voice as she quickly reverted to her jovial self and sand loudly along with the songs on the radio.

Her drive to live, her compassion for all things living (except cockroaches), her hunger for knowledge and adventure made it hard to dislike her. The room livened up when she walked in chatting brightly and forever smiling. She was always caught looking her best. Seeing someone like Ruchi, who knew from the start that she got the shorter end of the stick in this life-race, always happy and radiant could make anyone feel selfish for complaining when things go wrong in life.

Sure you could complain, but what will you do when life goes wrong.

We had been preparing all our lives for the day when Ruchi would be admitted to the hospital for the last time, in a critical state. Family members all over the world were called and informed and they wept dearly as they said their last goodbyes. Those in the US flew down to see her. Ruchi was a fighter – she held on till everyone could make it and finally she stopped fighting and closed her eyes for the last. Ironically the only one who could not say goodbye was one of the few people who had seen an instant of fear in Ruchi’s eyes.

The pain of wounds healing comes after the loss of a dear one. You never really learn how to deal with tragic loss. A line from the famous musical 'Singin’ in the Rain' fits in well here “Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show MUST go on.” Or rather in this case, life must go on. Life went on for Ruchi’s family and friends but it wasn’t easy.

College friends of Ruchi, set up a rose sale in her honor after she died, called 'Roses for Ruchi' which lasted for three days and sent the money back to the CFF to further their efforts to cure cystic fibrosis. They chose roses based of the story of 65 roses. A 4-year old boy suffering from cystic fibrosis and unable to pronounce it correctly once told his mother he knew she was working for '65 Roses'. As the CFF says, “making it easier to say, does not make CF any easier to live with.”

***

Life does some things to you. It teaches you, in a split second, lessons you may have never realized otherwise. From Ruchi you can learn that no matter how bad things are, you have to make the most of what you have. It’s a common lesson that is reiterated often, but its stories like this that make the lesson hit home.

Ruchi is no more, but her story and the legacy she left behind will live on forever, as will the void in the lives of everyone who knew her. The lines from the Michael Learns to Rock song come to mind now – “We will keep the faith between us, if we only try. We will keep the truth inside us, love will never lie.”
January 2005.

Note: the unnamed cousin in this piece...is me.
Miss you Ruch, think of you everyday!

pictures in my head...

2009-06-30T02:38:00.002-06:00

When I close my eyes I see,

dancing on a crowded floor,
laughing and enjoying the night,
walking out on the balcony for a breather,
it was hot in there,

im wearing a t-shirt and jeans,
everythings clinging to my body,
he follows me out,
flapping his shirt on the way out

sweat trickling down my face,
i face the wind to cool down,
standing with my eyes closed,
smiling to myself,

he watches me as i breathe deeply,
taking in the night,
shaking my hair,
trying to dry it out,

i open my eyes,
look at him and smile,
"what you looking at," i say
he says "you" and steps closer to me,

he looks into my eyes,
smiles his crooked smile,
trails my face with a finger,
rests his hand behind my neck,

he leans in,
pulling me closer,
he hesitates,
and we both know why,

"i shouldn't be doing this," he says,
"then don't," i say,
he smiles, and closes his eyes,
"just once," he whispers on my lips,

i smile,
closing my eyes,
he kisses me slowly,
then pulls away gently,

i open my eyes,
he's standing away from me,
just looking at me,
i realise, he never kissed me,

i imagined it all,
"just once" ringing in my head,

and i think to myself,
what a wonderful world...

sometimes the pictures fade,
sometimes they just remain as they were, pictures in my head...

Carry me (like a fire in your heart)

2009-06-24T03:18:00.003-06:00

There is an answer, some day we will know,
And you will ask her, why she had to go,
We live and die, we laugh and we cry,
And you must take away the pain,
Before you can begin to live again;

So let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the tears come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart;

There is a river rolling to the sea,
You will be with her for all eternity,
But we that remain need you here again,
So hold her in your memory
And begin to make the shadows disappear;

Yes let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the love come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart;

So let it start, my friend, let it start,
Let the love come rolling from your heart,
And when you need a light in the lonely nights,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart,

Carry me like a fire in your heart,
Carry me like a fire in your heart.

Someone posted this to my blog, and I missed it somehow. Thank you, it is perfect.

lips of an angel

2009-06-24T01:16:00.009-06:00

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying, is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ? cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why are you calling me so late?

three years already...

2009-03-18T03:16:00.002-06:00

This time last year, I was a wreck. But this year is different.

I went out last night, salsa dancing with my friends. I wore your dress, (it's a miracle that it fit), did my hair like you, put on your jewellery and stepped out for a night on the town - just like you would. I danced and I laughed and I was one with the music. But there was more to it - I was one with the essense of you.

I wasn't sure how I would feel, but I was surprised that I was happy. Happy to be close to you in spirit and soul. Happy to keep you alive everyday in everything I do.

Love you hamesha dids, you will be with me always...

two years....

2008-03-16T12:05:00.006-06:00

It's that time of year that I dread the most...the anniversary date draws near and I'm beginning to fall to pieces again. I'm afraid to see myself crumble again on Tuesday...will I be strong enough to pull myself up this time or not...

Is it because I laugh and joke and fool around all the time that people don't see my pain? If I'm happy and fine then why do I cry myself to sleep everyday? Why doesn't a day go by when I don't secretly wipe away my tears at random moments?

Someone sent me this poem a while ago saying that this is what Tuna wanted us to remember everyday. It couldn't be more perfect...

"When I must leave

do not grieve and shed tears

Nor hug your sorrows

to you through the years.

But start out bravely

with a gallant smile

And for my sake

and in my name

Live on and do

all things the same.

Feed not your loneliness

on empty days

But fill each waking hour

in useful ways.

Reach out your hand

in comfort and in cheer

I, in turn, will comfort you

and hold you near."

Fuck...will it ever stop hurting...

a piece of me - the original ramblings

2008-03-09T13:45:00.002-06:00

It was a normal spring break day really. I was sleeping in late at my friend's apartment in New York, something that I would usually do. My father kept trying to call and wake me at 9 a.m. and I thought he had forgotten about the time difference. I promptly set the phone on silent, turned over, and went back to sleep. Suddenly I was being awoken by my friend's aunt, whom I had met for lunch the previous day. I was so surprised to see her. She said she was in the area and popped in to say hello. So, rather reluctantly, I woke up and the events that followed I will never forget.

My father came on the phone and asked me if I was carrying my passport with me. I said that I was. Then he said, "your didi (sister) is gone." I almost fell as the reality of the words resonated in my head.

"Gone! What you mean gone?" I yelled at the phone, throwing my hands in the air.

"She's left us and gone," he said. "We have to be strong and be there for each other now."

What my father said left me speechless and almost in a state of shock. It wasn't just the facts itself, but the words he didn't say… but which I understood that stunned me. And no one told me what exactly had happened till I actually got home, but I already knew. The words 'she's left us' told me all that I needed to know.

Suicide.

On March 18, 2006 my 24-year-old sister committed suicide by hanging herself in the kitchen of her apartment in Bombay, India. Her split second decision shook up our lives and the lives of everyone else around us.

***

The hours following that phone call are a blur in my head as many things happened very fast. I got booked on the first flight out from New York to Bombay, I made several phone calls to my friends telling them that I was leaving the country that night. I sent emails to my professors telling them that I would be gone on indefinite leave.

One phone call that I made stands out clearly in my head in those hours before I left.

I picked up the phone and called my sister's roommate, Reshma, from her college days at Purdue. It was by far the hardest call I have ever made in my life. Reshma also lives in Austin and for the first time in three years I had found a reason to contact her. She was so happy to finally hear from me and started chatting about how we should hang out and go out. Before she could get very far I blurted out in my sobbing voice "Tuna." (That was my sister's nickname.) And she stopped talking and I just said Tuna again and she understood. She started screaming and yelling on the phone as I told her what little I knew. I tried to calm her down and tell her that Tuna was in a better place now. It was heart-breaking for me to say all those things that I didn't even believe myself.

The flight to Bombay was a blur, with me crying the whole way not knowing what to do with myself. I remember getting to Bombay and almost wishing I had never reached. A bigger fear was looming in front of me, how was I going to face my parents, what was I going to say to them? How was I going to console them and say that things were going to be alright after their older child killed herself?

My sister's best friend and some family friends came to the airport to get me and I went home with them. It was 3 a.m. and I don't even remember what happened when I saw my parents. More than half my family was already there and everyone was crying. I often feel everyone pain doubled when they saw me, because I look a lot like my sister. The resemblance has turned out to be a double-edged sword.

It was only when I got home and just before we were getting ready to fly to Indore, where the rest of our family and friends were, that I realized that they had not waited for me for the cremation. I was shocked because it didn't even occur to me that they would not wait. I was her only sibling – I assumed they would hold everything till I got there.

I never got to say goodbye to my sister…

***

The flight to Indore was strange – we had never traveled in such a big group before – there were 13 people I knew on this flight. Thirteen people and one urn with my sister in it. I clutched it to my chest all the way on the flight and didn't say anything.

We got to Indore early in the morning and went almost immediately to immerse my sister's ashes in the Narmada River, which holds a high place in our hearts and could even be considered holy. I almost froze as we opened the urn with the ashes and I saw bones instead of just ashes. I had no idea what to expect and I broke down yet again. This was just the beginning of the unveiling of countless emotions I had no idea could even exist in one person all at the same time. After immersing the ashes, we all took a dip in the river while singing my sister's favorite song

This is a strange story, where it begins or ends,
Where its destination is, neither you nor I can understand

With this burning lamp, why does smoke rise,
I have seen this dream, but now I have awoken from this dream

Congratulations that you have become the apple of someone's eye
You've become so close to one person, that you went away from everyone else

We will take someone's love and settle into a new world
But whenever this day approaches we will remember you

It almost sounded like a prayer.

The next 13 days went by with us sitting around, talking and recalling stories about my sister and crying. We waited for the official mourning period to be over, so we could have a prayer meeting for bringing peace to my sister's soul. It was consolation for my parents more than me. I was just mostly in a daze. One of my closest friends flew five hours just to see me and that was some temporary relief.

This marked the beginning of the madness to come, which I should have seen, but could not at the time. Every time someone called my sister's death an accident I blew my top. "It was no accident OK. It was bloody intentional," I cried. This became a point of conflict as I could not stand the fact my family wanted to deny the truth.

Finally, after almost three weeks, I returned to Austin - exhausted and not sure of what was going to happen with my life. It was only when I came back that the reality of what had happened struck me. My only sister was dead. She killed herself over some guy who did not even love her and wasn't worth a second glance. He abused her mentally and physically and we had no idea. He made her feel like she wasn't worth loving and should just be gone. He sent her an email saying "Fucking go away. For ever."

And she did...

***

What was she like you are wondering? She was 5 feet 8 ½ inches tall, had long hair and bright eyes. She had a slightly crooked smile which won her "best smile" at a beauty contest. When she talked she often threw her hands about, sprawled back oozing with confidence with a glass of Old Monk and Coke in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She never hesitated and always spoke her mind. Heads turned when she walked into a room. Even dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, with her thick-framed glasses and her black Nike cap on her head, she looked stunning. When she was younger she would not wear low-cut tops, because of a scar from chicken pox that made her conscious. But in her last few years she threw all her reservations out the window and wore anything that made her look good…which was almost anything.

She was my inspiration and idol, everything I wanted to be in life. I looked up to her and did everything to be more like her. And now she had left me floundering in the dark without a clue so as to which direction to go. I could not go back to classes; I was struggling with dealing with all my overwhelming emotions – from sadness for my loss, to anger for her decision, to pain for not being able to talk to her and being able to show her that I could be her pillar in times of weakness. I continued to have mood swings and temper tantrums over the next six months. I fought with everyone, my parents, my friends, everyone – trying to find the answers I would never get. Why did this happen? Were we not good enough that some third person became more important? What did we do wrong as family that you gave us such a big punishment?

She was a dancer and music lover. She was obsessed with Chris Rea and was planning to go see him live in concert on April 25, 2006, four days before her 25th birthday. She danced the Ballroom and Latin dances and inspired me to take up the same when I came to college. When she danced everyone watched, she may not have been perfect and technically right all the time, but she made it look good. I remember the last time we celebrated new years in December 2005. My cousin danced salsa with both of us together and as he twirled us, people clapped and cheered as we laughed and spun all over the floor. It was the best memory I have of my sister. She was truly happy then and it showed.

She was the strongest person I ever knew, maybe a little too strong. Maybe she thought we would think less of her if she turned to us for help when she was struggling with personal torment.

February 14, 2006 will mark a year since I last spoke to my sister and I hate the fact that I can barely recall that conversation because I had been drinking. The last thing she said to me I do remember…"Just know that I love you."

When I feel like I can't dance because I'm depressed, I smile and think of her, and I dance for her…so that she can live through me and do the things she always loved.

A poem by E. E. Cummings seems fitting and I dedicate to you Tuna

I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart
I am never without it, anywhere I go you go my dear
And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true

Here is the deepest secret no one knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life
Which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart

lies....

2008-03-09T13:26:00.002-06:00

whoever told me that it gets easier with time...lied...

it's all fucking lies...it never goes away and it never gets easier...

i'll never be the same again...i just keep pretending that i'm ok...

letting go...

2008-03-07T04:15:00.008-06:00

whoever said letting go was easy....obviously never had to let go of anything...

in the last few months i've been told repeatedly that i'm weak for not trying harder...for not being willing to give it one more chance to make things work...and i was beginning to believe it...but i saw a quote the other day that changed my mind....

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak;
Sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go"

....its not easy, but it's the wise thing to do....i should have made that decision long ago...seeing that the signs were all there....seeing that we were bad news together.....we loved each other, but we couldn't tolerate each other...as odd as that sounds...wonderful individuals otherwise, with our quirks....but just explosive when put together.....not that the love was not there...but sometimes love it just not enough...

it's funny that i've found some things that make the most sense to me in facebook bumper stickers!...this one says it all...

"I've learned that goodbyes will always hurt,
Pictures will never replace having been there,
Memories good or bad will bring tears,
And words can never replace those feelings"

......so i'll leave the feelings as they are and stop putting words out there....

jab we met...

2008-02-25T04:13:00.003-06:00

When I saw the movie, I never thought it could be even vaguely true...this kind of things happen only in movies! Or so I used to think....you never know when you may meet people out of the blue!

So here I was getting accustomed to being alone on a 30 hour train journey from Bhopal to Bangalore. I have books and music and I hoped that would suffice and help me survive the trip. But in my heart I knew I would succumb to boredom and die! Everyone who knows me also knows I have to talk. Thirty hours and no one to chit-chat with.

Then we reached Nagpur and there was a kahani mein twist (for filmy effect)...

I was perched on the top berth reading a book and listening to some music, when I looked up to see a new entry (male) nearby..finally a young face I thought. Soon there was one more boy who joined the first....friends traveling together I figured. I wonder if I should talk to them just yet? Maybe give them a while and see if they are approachable....

So I keep reading and listening to music...finally getting off the berth coz I'm all cramped up. Sitting down amidst the old uncles who insist on knowing what's going on in my life! Shut up already! Mister new entry thinks its very funny that I have to politely deal with the old folk! HA! HA! Very funny mister. I laugh back, rolling my eyes! Good I know they're friendly now! Forget sitting here, I'm going over where the air is younger.

Here begins a saga of adventure....actually a saga of discovery I would rather say. Of discovering new friends...As we started talking, I never thought we three would spend the next 22 hours talking about practically everything under the sun...I never thought I would find a friend in a stranger to whom I could pour my heart out and not be judged. Actually I didn't really think I could talk so much and that someone would ACTUALLY put up with it. Incredible. I didn't think I could be so happy in the company of total strangers.

What did we talk about....everything....listened to music, shared a fun meal....kept the old fogies around us awake all night...shared secrets....a few tears, a few jokes, a few laughs....as though we were old friends....

What a time, what great stories, what fabulous company, what awesome memories made...a train journey to remember...jab we met

a strange moment

2008-02-23T03:18:00.006-06:00

So I was in Bhopal visiting my aunt and uncle and we went out to their friend's place for dinner one night. This friend of theirs had lost her husband about a year ago rather suddenly. They have two beautiful daughters about 13 and 18 years. The younger one was talking to me and asked me if I had any siblings. I didn't know why at the time but I said no. For the first time in my life I denied Tuna's existence. I thought about why I said it and the answer came to my rather suddenly.

Theses sisters were a striking image of Tuna and me as kids and almost till the end of her days. The elder one was tall, beautiful and confident - radiating energy and laughter wherever she went, and oblivious to the people around her. The younger sister reminded me so much of myself that it was scary. She was heavier, shorter, cute but not yet beautiful. An image of compassion and happiness though. She clearly adored her sister and did everything possible to gain her attention. I was encouraged to see that her sister didn't have Tuna's mean streak, but clearly wanted her own space.

So, coming back to the conversation we had.
Do you have any siblings?
No. Just me.
You're so lucky, you know.
(Not really, you don't realize how lucky you are and what I would give to be in your shoes. If you were older I would tell you the truth and you'd see what I mean.)
The next time we meet I will tell her the truth and she will understand and cherish what she has that I lost...

once again

2008-02-09T03:23:00.002-06:00

one more wedding...
one more collection of memories...
one more moment thinking that i'll never see you at your own wedding...
one more time feeling sad and lonely...
one more evening of heartbreak...
one more night falling asleep crying...
will it ever really get any easier...
i really wonder...

Love is

2007-04-30T17:19:00.000-06:00

LOVE IS not losing a loved one...but gaining an angel...

You will never be gone from our live...everyday you watch over us

Think about you all the time...

Love you hamesha...

no more the fool.....

2007-04-13T13:38:00.000-06:00

Just why I stayed around
When all I found was a heartache
I believed your every word
Didn't know the hurt and pain that you'd make

But why did it take so long
Alas, now I've seen the light
I found the heart to say

No more the fool
Who waits around
Waitin' for you to bring me down
Those days are gone now

No more the nights
Layin' awake
Cryin' and waitin' for the day to break

No more the sound as my dreams fall and hit the ground
While I'm waitin' around
No more the fool

You thought I'd break
Then you were wrong
That I wouldn't see what's goin' on
But I knew

Here I am
I'm alive
And you'll see I'll survive
Without you

And I won't be the one who comes runnin'
It ain't like it used to be
It's your turn to run to me

No more the fool ...
All the nights I waited for you to call
I waited for a sign that you would stay
But it's so clear
You didn't care at all

No more the fool

No more the fool
Who waits around
No more the fool
No more the clown
No more the fool

No more the sight
No more the sound
And hit the ground
No more the fool

No more the fool ...
No more the fool
No more the sight
No more the sound
No more the fool

I should have posted this long back....but I don't know why I never thought of it before.....I'm living my own life again and my dreams are slowly coming through...the baggage of the past is long gone from heart and mind and sight forever...

aata hai yaad mujhko - i remember

2007-03-20T23:25:00.000-06:00

aata hai yaad mujhko guzaraa huaa zamaanaa
memories of days gone by come back to me
woh baag ki bahaaren woh sab ka chah-chahaanaa
that garden in spring, all that chitter chatter

aazaadiyaan kahaan woh ab apane ghonsale kii
where is that freedom of my nest
apani khushi se aanaa apani Khushi se jaanaa
where is that coming and going as one pleased

lagati ho chot dil par, aataa hai yaad jis dam
it hurts my heart when i so recall
shabanam ke aansuuon par kaliyon kaa muskuraanaa
the petals glowing with those tears of dew
woh pyaari pyaari surat, woh kaamini si muurat
that lovely face, that peaceful abode
aabaad jis ke dam se thaa meraa aashiyaanaa
by which my whole world was alive

hmmm

2007-03-16T02:05:00.000-06:00

so my father sends me an email.....then he sends me a text message to see if i got the email.....then he calls me to see if i got the text message that he sent to see if i got the email.......then my mother calls to check if i got my fathers call to see if i got the text message that he sent to see if i got the email.....

this is my family......go figure...

reflections and recollections

2007-03-10T00:08:00.000-06:00

its spring break and i couldn't be more glad....its time to just relax and do nothing.....time for me to reflect on my life and the past year that has changed me so dramatically....

time to remember the times....good and bad......

time to miss people......family, friends and otherwise

time to decide where i want my life to go....

time to decide who i want to be......

.......

2007-02-18T01:28:00.000-06:00

i miss u dids....

in her shoes...

2007-02-11T17:45:00.000-06:00

So this past weekend I saw the movie 'In her shoes,' with Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette. I seemed like an ordinary chick flick, exploring yet another angle of girl-boy relationships, or in this case girl-girl relationships. It wasn't until about an hour into the movie that a lightning bolt hit me. The movie was resonating with my life situation. It was almost like I could see parts of the reality of my life more clearly through the movie.

Cameron's character, Maggie was reminding me more and more of Tuna as the movie went along. Just the way she was ... tall, beautiful, confident, flirty, confident. It was just the way Tuna was. Even her body structure and some of the clothes she wore were like Tuna. She just oozed confidence in front of everyone, especially guys. Her actions, the kind of things she said...it as almost like I could hear Tuna in my head. But then we see the other side of Maggie, the one who can't read because she has dyslexia, who is unsure of her future, concerned that she doesn't have a job and worried about where she is going to go in life. In the same way, it is only now that we know how different Tuna was on the inside to what she potrayed on the outside. She was insecure, and uncertain, suffered from all sorts of problems that she never shared with any of us. She was concerned that she was struggling with her professional life and her personal life which was getting more and more complicated by the day.

And then there was Rose, the older smarter, more focussed and successful sister, who had everything, but was still not happy. She was overweight, overworked and overburndened. It was not till she cut all the strings and went on to doing just simple things that she discovered true happiness and peace with herself and who she was. Some aspects of Rose's character remind me of myself. Not the better looking sister, little more shy, more reserved, a little more insecure in a crowd. Always looking out for Tuna when I could, covering her tracks when she did something wrong and taking the blame for it...coz that's what sister's do. I see myself in Rose because I feel like Tuna had so much potential, if only she had let someone help her find that right way out. If only she had known that I would have turned my world upside down to see her happy. That I would have helped her get away from the demons in her head that drove her off the edge.

if only...

The finale of the movie is what I like the most, the poem by E. E. Cummings that Maggie reads for Rose, I dedicate to you Tuna

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart
i am never without it, anywhere i go you go my dear
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true

here is the deepest secret no one knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart

someday

2007-02-02T22:08:00.000-06:00

We never really said much to each other
We don’t have many secrets to share
Though you never said it to my face
I know you’ll always care.

We fought ever so often
Over the silliest of things
But when we traveled together
To the same pillow we’d cling.

You hated it when I’d hang all over you
You never let me kiss you on your birthday
You never hugged me without being forced to
Who knows, maybe you will….someday.

Some day we will be together again, and I know you will hug me then…

when the sun goes down

2007-01-31T19:12:00.000-06:00

When the sun goes down and the moon shines bright
Honey if you call my name, I will take away your pain
I will take good care of you tonight

Somebody broke your heart, tore your world apart
But that's all over, it's a brave new day

Somebody made you cry, took away your pride
But that's all over, let's be on our way

When the sun goes down and the moon shines bright
In my arms it's safe and warm, I give you shelter from the storm
I will take good care of you tonight

Somebody made you sad, treated you so bad
But that's all over, I won't let you down

Well he was just a fool, wonder why so cruel
But you'll forget him, when I come around

When the sun goes down and the moon rises high
Honey open up your door and you won't have to hurt no more
I will take good care of you tonight

Well step out of the shadows, let the night begin
When you hear me knockin', let me in

When the sun goes down and the moon shines bright
Honey if you call my name, I will take away your pain
I will take good care of you tonight

When the sun goes down and the moon rises high
In my arms it's safe and warm, I give you shelter from the storm
I will take good care of you tonight

Hurry, open up your door and you won't have to hurt no more
I will take good care of you tonight

----fleetwood mac

Casino Rueda Salsa

2007-01-21T18:19:00.001-06:00


MIT Casino Rueda Group at Ryles in Boston Some real awesome rueda......sigh.....if only I could dance like that

a chapter closed....an uneasiness, yet some peace in it

2007-01-17T12:48:00.000-06:00

Life has a strange way of sorting itself out and truely time does heal....not all wounds and not completely, but it helps to consolidate what you are left with.

I have finally closed a chapter in my life that has been gnawing away for a long time, but even as I did the final sealings and deleted hundreds and hundreds of emails full of emotions and torment and love and craziness, it ruffled my feathers and yet again emotions churned inside of me. As hard as it was to let go of all the things that were wonderful and filled with care, it had to be done....for everyones sanity.....most importantly my own.

I feel a sense of peace as I put my past behind me and look forward to a new future and new dreams that I have set for myself. I look forward to finding someone and falling so much in love that it truely lasts forever. But all in good time...inshahallah.

And though its easy to say that I can forget, I know in my heart that I will never forget, and if only for a moment maybe my heart will skip a beat when I think of him. But then I will tap myself over the head and smile and carry on with life......because thats just what you have to do.

Because "in three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on"....

raw beauty

2006-11-30T12:42:00.000-06:00

when I look at her pictures.....it just stands out.....the beauty....just fucking raw beauty.....

she never needed make-up to look good, just a simple face was enough......

she will forever be immortalized because of her beauty....

what the hell

2006-10-22T00:33:00.000-06:00

You think that if you know someone that they will talk to you and make you feel like you're still there. But after knowing someone for three years I get one word responses and being ignored. It's not like he's shy, coz he talked to everyone else, but just not to me. And then gives this big "I care for you" hug in the end like nothing happened.

Fucking annoying as hell.....

angels.....

2006-10-12T17:30:00.015-06:00

Just when you thought there was no hope left and things couldn't get worse.....guess what...life takes a 360 degree turn and things just change. Life suddenly got better!

It all began with the decision to take a trip to San Antonio to watch The Rat Pack Live at the Sands. The concert itself will be a whole new entry but lets talk about other things. So I went salsa dancing with some guys I met and met Carlos there. Now I danced just one dance with him and then I left. Didn't really talk to him or anything. Just enjoyed my dance and went home.

The next day I was downtown listening to some doctors who were playing some music at a benefit fair. I was talking to the bassist and just telling him how much I enjoyed his music. Suddenly someone walks up behind me. "Hey there, what are you doing here?" I turn around to see Carlos, beeming his brilliant smile, in shorts and a tee. We exchange greetings and I say "Being a tourist, taking in the sights, figuring out what to see."

He offers to take me around town, and be my personal tourist guide. Can't hurt I think, he seems like fun and I have time to kill before my bus back to Austin. So we begin walking and talking. We see the old buildings, the cobbled streets and then we go into an art exhibition. As my bag gets progressivly heavier, he fights me for it, and insists on carrying it all the way (what a gentleman I think, nice touch). We walk around the exhibition looking at the paintings, I tell him about Tuna's skills as an artist. He stops in his tracks and says "I knew there was a reason I met you like this." I don't ask and he doesn't explain. As I follow him, he tells me about Mexican traditions, elaborating on his Mexican-German heritage. We walk along the famous Riverwalk, stopping at almost every stall of the arts and crafts exhibition going on there. What magnificent stuff they create, jewellery, paintings, art decos for your house. Just fascinating to see the creations come to life as you stand there.

Carlos takes me into an old Mexican restaurant, the walls of which are covered with artifacts from Mexican wars and heritage homes. Thousands of piniatas hang from the ceiling creating a frenzy of colour and motion. We admire the old Mexican war heros uniforms on the walls, try deperately to reach a piniata or two, and then reside to the shade of tree outside listening to an Andean band intoxicate the crowd with the music of the mountains.

We decide to take a long walk, Carlos has to pick up something from his house, we take a shortcut across the river to the German settlement area where he lives with a roommate. I decide it's best to wait outside while he gets his gear and we head back to the city. We stop at a hotel to be welcomed by their mascot, a large cuddly brown Larador called Lobby. He play with him, he rolls over and lets us scratch his tummy! Simple pleasures.

Back in the city we grab lunch at a restaurant on the Riverwalk. Over margaritas and fajitas Carlos says something rather profound.
"I am your guardian angel Varsha. I knew there was a reason that we met so suddenly and were able to bond and talk so easily. You're at a point in your life where you needed a hand to keep you from floudering in the ocean, and I've been sent to pull you out of the deep end of the waters."

For a change I had no words. Tears filled in my eyes as he took my hand and says nothing. We don't talk about it and just moved on to lighter subjects.

We went into the most interesting Starbucks I've ever seen. In addition to coffee, you could sit down and listen to your choice of music in the booths all around the store. We shared music and laughed over coffee as it became time for me to head to the Greyhound station for my bus. We exchanged phone numbers as we walked back and he promised to come visit me in Austin. After saying our goodbyes, I watched Carlos walk away before getting on the bus and settling down with my book and iPod. Five minutes later the person next to me gets my attention to tell me to look outside. Carlos was still standing there, he come back to wait till the bus left.

My guardian angel, true to his - watching over me.

I spoke to Carlos a few times after that over the phone. I tried to contact him a year or so later when I was heading to San Antonio with some friends. The number it seems suddenly to someone else, and I couldn't find him. I even went back to the place we met to see if he might be there. No such luck.

As suddenly as he came into my life, Carlos was suddenly just gone. I guess I didn't need my guardian angel anymore.

rain inside and outside.....

2006-10-12T16:23:00.000-06:00

sometimes it takes a rainy day for you to realise that its really raining..out there on the street....and in there in your heart.....

if I could turn back time

2006-10-11T12:53:00.000-06:00

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay

I don't know why I did the things
I did I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons they wound sometimes.

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry, but baby

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time

My world was shattered I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
You walked out that door I swore that I didn't care
But I lost everything darling then and there

Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and ooh...

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

Ooohh
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
ooh baby

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't want to see you go
I know I made you cry
Ooohh

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time (turn back time)
If I could find a way (find a way)
Then baby, maybe, maybe
You'd stay

[to fade]
Reach the stars
If I could reach the stars

just a thought...if i could turn back time....i'd change a lot of things.....but we all know i can't

the next time....

2006-10-05T20:52:00.000-06:00

They say I'll love again some day,
A truer love will come my way,
The next time.
But after you there'll never be,
A next time, for me.

They say that I'll find happiness,
In someone else's warm caress,
The next time.
I'll soon forget your kiss.
And headaches such as this,
Will just be ancient history.

They say that I'm a fool to weep.
That I won't go on losing sleep,
The next time.
That someone else will mend the heart,
You've broken in two.

But how can I fall in love,
The next time.
When I'm still so very much,
In love with you.

I'm trying to stop thinking and stop feeling, but how can you stop the very root of everything from doing what it does best. How do you stop your heart from doing what its supposed to do? How do you stop your heart from feeling love and affection? How?

to dance or not to dance

2006-10-04T22:39:00.000-06:00

Today we had a demo by the Lindy Project and it was wonderful. They were so light on their feet and such a joy to watch. I was talking to one of them afterwards and he said if I ever come out and dance at the Fed. I told him I'm not very good at swing and just stick to salsa. He told me that you should dance other dances at well because it makes you better at your favorite. I know he's right, but the thought just scared me.

I think I should sometimes, but the thought of going back to all the ballroom and latin dances just shakes me up. It's still so hard to go back to all the dances that Tuna used to love. Sometimes I feel like I can, but then a favorite song comes on or I see someone dancing, and it all comes back, the memories of they way she started dancing and how beautiful she used to look when she got in the mood.

How can I go back to that knowing that she's not dancing anymore? I mean I know I can, but it just makes me cry.

her life was not that moment.....but 24 years

2006-10-03T22:21:00.000-06:00

I'm not able to find the right kind of support for my loss, so I went to this Survivors of Suicide support group meeting today, and it was very hard for me to talk about anything. I found myself being overwhelmed with emotions and the tears wouldn't stop. One of the lady's who lost her son last year said something that made so much sense that it shock me up.

She said, "we don't let people remember our loved ones by that one moment and that one decison. Their lives were all that happened before that and not just that." It made me think and realise that she was right. Despite the hurting and aching, its important for me to celebrate my sister's life and all she was from before that one night.

And its funny coz one of my friends Ashwin said the same thing to me last night and said I should talk about her and what she was like here and share it with everyone. What a great thought! I figure I wasn't in the position to think about it myself, but I'm glad they told me about it. I will do it, coz she deserves it and she's worth it.

So thats what I'm going to do, but another day....

oh lonesome me....

2006-10-02T22:35:00.000-06:00

Everybody's going out and having fun
I'm just a fool for staying home and having none
I can't get over how he set set me free oh lonesome me

A bad mistake I'm making by just hanging round
I know that I should have some fun and paint the town
A lovesick fool is blind and just can't see oh lonesome me

I'll bet he's not like me he's out and fancy free
Flirtin' with the girls with all his charms
But I still love him so and brother don't you know
I'd welcome him right back here in my arms

There must be some way I can lose these lonesome blues
Forget about the past and find somebody new
I've thought of everything from A to Z oh lonesome me

I think this song accurately replects my feelings about a certain boy...rather man....everday I think I can get over it and I try to, but some random thoughts and memories come back and make it so hard to move on.

What can I say about our relationship...it was rocky and smooth....it was wild and calm....it was sweet and sour....it was love and hate....it was real...there were real emotions and real reactions in it. It wasn't all rosy and pretty, it got downright nasty and dirty sometimes, but all in all the most important thing was...IT WAS REAL.

Everytime I talk myself into letting go and moving on, it just all comes back down to the feelings I have inside. I'm not convinced that its over and there's nothing left. Maybe I'm being stupid and naive about it, but something tells me theres a spark of hope lingering somewhere. I can't place it or tell why....but my gut feeling is its there...and my gut has never been wrong before.

I wouldn't change anything about our relationships, except the nights when we fell asleep angry and hurt, except the things I didn't say when I should have, for not knowing better than I did, except for not being able to show him how much and how truely I love him.

About him.....I wouldn't change anything......I love him with all his imperfections and though I get mad sometimes, and wouldn't settle for anything less than he is.

six months

2006-10-01T23:27:00.000-06:00

When I think back about the six month anniversary, my mind seems to draw a blank. Then, I see a blur of images of the things that happened right after I heard the news, of flying back to India in the middle of spring break, of seeing my parents break down and all the family that came around at that time, of the ceremonies that had to be done and how painful they were.

The days that went by following, where we sat around, not sure if we were supposed to cry or try and be normal. The anger I felt when people said it was an accident. "No! No!" I cried out. "Don't make it sound like we're ashamed of what she chose to do. We have to respect her decision and be honest about it."

It was hard for everyone and no one quite knew what to do. How to stop my parents or myself from blaming ourselves? How to reconcile and go back to a routine live? How to try and pick up the pieces and move on.

The thoughts were crazy and running wild, and it brought back eveyrthing that was painful. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't stop my mind from thinking and asking the questions that will never be answered. I hated that day and what it did to me.

How does one recover from such a loss?

my sister...tuna

2006-10-01T23:14:00.001-06:00

It's been a while now, but it still seems like yesterday. My older sister did what hung herself in her apartment six months ago. She faught for a long time, before she gave up. I only wish she could have called on someone and told us what she was going through.

I just want everyone to know and remember that nothing is worth taking your own life over. And if you feel down and that things are all wrong, just remember that the most important people in your life are your parents and make yourself live for them if you don't want to live for yourself. You owe it to your parents to pull your shit together and stick it out. And if you can think of that one person doesn't love you and its worth dying over, step back and take a moment to think about all the people who love you and are worth living for.

For those of you who think about suicide, remember that once you go your pain is over, but think of all those you leave behind with unanswered questions and "what ifs". You leave us thinking we did something wrong and could have done something differently. It's just not worth it.

I loved my sister dearly...and I love her even more today, coz now I know what she never told me herself. I share her pain today and understand how difficult it got for her. I respect her for her strength, courage and willpower to take such a hard decision, but I wish she had been a little weaker and called on someone for help.

She was my idol and still is, I want to be all the good that she was and someday i will be. I wish she hadn't left me like this floundering in the dark. If she were here today I'd slap her first and then hug her and never let her go.

I love you didi, and I always will. I think of you everyday and try to smile as I remember the good times.

For those of you wondering why I posted this first, let's just say that it's changed who I am and how I used to be and suddenly this single fact has shaken my life up and made me someone I don't recognize when I look in the mirror. It's funny how life makes you grow up when you just want to have a good time. I mean hey I would have grown up, but why did you have to make me do it like this.

get to know the author

2006-10-01T23:07:00.000-06:00

This is just an introduction to me and my life and why I'm up here blogging. I've never before done this and never thought I would, but recent events have led me to be frustrated and want to vent out my feelings, and I think it's wise for them to be in a place where maybe someone can read them and respond somehow. At least I know that there's a chance that someone will read this. It's almost like I want someone to read my diary so I know I'm not going insane.

It's been a rocky road these last few months and the more I think about it, the more I get caught in a web confusion. It's frustrating, coz I've never been so unsure of myself before and I don't like this feeling. I don't feeling helpless and dependent on things and people so much.

Anyhow as the days progress, I hope to get some sense of stability back in my life and hope that I will be able to confront the curve balls that come my way.